PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATIONS
Are you the one in charge in your house?
– Good. Neither am I.
That and many other miscalculations can be found below.
This isn't Yle's Living Archive, but Papacito's documented diary of all the failed assumptions I've encountered along the way – about fatherhood, life with a baby, everyday life, and all the things I thought I understood beforehand.
Spoiler: I really didn't...
And somehow, they just keep coming.
So the list keeps getting longer,
and longer,
and longer...
Have you made some spectacularly wrong predictions about parenthood too? Confess yours to Papacito!
The best ones might end up here for everyone else to marvel at. Or they might not.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #01
Sleep when the baby sleeps.
Oh no, you won't... You've got about a hundred other things on your to-do list.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #02
When the baby sleeps, you'll have time to get loads of things done.
Oh no, you won't... You'll barely have time to decide what you would've done.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #03
The baby can't reach that yet.
Oh yes, he can... And he'll come back down from there with a somersault.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #04
I'll just put this here for a second.
Oh no, you won't... The baby has already found it.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #05
I'll know why the baby is crying.
Oh no, you won't... You'll try everything until something works.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #06
Once the baby starts sleeping through the night, I'll sleep too.
Oh no, you won't... You'll wake up to check why he hasn't woken up – or you won't be able to sleep because you can hear just how well he's sleeping.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #07
I'm not going to start talking in some ridiculous baby voice.
"WHO'S PEEKING OVER THERE? IS THAT DADDY'S LITTLE TROUBLEMAKER? YES IT IIIIS, ISN'T IT?"
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #08
I'm not going to photograph every fucking thing the baby does.
Oh yes, you are... Current score: 1,500 photos / 9 months.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #09
A baby can't possibly need that much stuff.
Oh yes, he can... Apparently, he needs his own logistics center.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #10
Let's just quickly pop out.
Oh no, you won't... There is no such thing as quickly going anywhere with a baby.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #11
We don't need to take all that stuff with us.
Oh yes, you do... Should've just taken it.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #12
I'll buy a slightly bigger size so it'll last a while.
Oh no, it won't... It'll last all of two weeks.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #13
That toy is definitely going to be the baby's favorite.
Oh no, it isn't... The baby's favorite is the cardboard box the toy came in.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #14
He doesn't put absolutely everything in his mouth.
Oh yes, he does... And I mean absolutely fucking everything...
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #15
Changing a diaper won't take long.
Oh yes, it can... Anything can happen during this operation.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #16
Surely he'll stay still long enough for one photo.
Oh no, he won't... By the time you press the button, the baby is already somewhere else.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #17
We're going to bed early tonight.
Oh no, you're not... Especially not after saying that out loud.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #18
Parental leave will probably get a little boring sometimes.
Oh no, it won't... I haven't even had time to make myself something to eat.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #19
Someone that small can't possibly make that much of a mess.
Oh yes, he can... And a hell of a lot more than you'd think.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #20
I'll remember when he last ate.
Oh no, you won't... Soon you won't even know what day it is.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #21
He can't open that cupboard yet.
Oh yes, he can... And soon he'll be able to open all the others too.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #22
I'll give him this so I can finish what I'm doing.
Oh no, you won't... It kept him entertained for all of eight seconds.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #23
He won't notice if I take this away.
Oh yes, he will... And quickly.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #24
He's already forgotten all about it.
Oh no, he hasn't... Especially if it's something he's not allowed to have.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #25
Look at all the toys he's got.
Oh, he doesn't care... The remote control and the whisk are much more interesting.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #26
He'll be happy there for a while.
Oh no, he won't... You spent longer entertaining that thought than he did entertaining himself.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #27
You don't have to watch him every single second.
Oh yes, you do... Silence is usually the first warning sign.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #28
I'll just quickly go to the bathroom.
Oh no, you won't... At least not alone. Or in peace.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #29
He knows how to get back down by himself.
Oh no, he doesn't... Confidence got him up there. Gravity will get him back down.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #30
He's not going to hit his head on that.
Oh yes, he is... And just to make sure, he'll do it a couple more times.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #31
He won't touch the dog's bowl.
Oh yes, he will... I think he even ate the dog's food.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #32
I'll eat while the baby eats.
Oh no, you won't... And probably not afterwards either.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #33
I'll have time to drink my coffee while it's still hot.
Oh no, you won't... That coffee is going to see the inside of the microwave another two or three times.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #34
If he stays up later tonight, he'll sleep later in the morning.
Oh no, he won't... Now you're both just fucking miserable.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #35
He'll definitely sleep for the whole car ride.
Oh no, he won't... Maybe for the last hundred meters.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #36
I'll just carefully move him into his own bed.
Oh no, you won't... You'll try, and then everyone will be awake.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #37
One bad night won't make that much difference.
Oh yes, it will... Ask yourself that again after the bad night.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #38
I'm not going to change my habits just because I have a child.
Oh yes, you are... And you won't even notice yourself doing it.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #39
We're not going to become those parents who only ever talk about their kid.
Oh yes, you are... You'll even start an entire blog dedicated to nothing else.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #40
I'm not going to compare my baby to other babies.
Oh yes, you are... Soon you'll realize you don't even compare cars this critically.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #41
I'm not going to Google every weird little thing.
Oh yes, you are... Apparently, we've already had reflux and colic. Your search history will look like it's your first day being a human.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #42
Once the baby is born, you'll somehow just know what you're supposed to do.
Oh no, you won't... But you'll do it anyway.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #43
I'm the one in charge in this house.
Oh no, you're not... And you haven't been for over ten years.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #44
Once the baby learns to move around, life gets easier.
Oh no, it doesn't... Now he can get himself into all the things you used to only have to stop him from thinking about.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #45
It's worth buying educational toys for a baby.
Oh no, it isn't... A sandal, the remote control and the contents of the kitchen cupboard are way more interesting anyway.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #46
One long nap makes the day easier to schedule.
Oh no, it doesn't... By 6:30 PM, both the kid and dad are already completely ready for bed.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #47
He can't do anything with my phone.
Oh yes, he can... You don't know how, but the flashlight is on, the camera is filming the ceiling, and someone's been called.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #48
I'll have time to clean up this mess in a minute.
Oh no, you won't... Soon you'll just be clearing a path through it so you can start the whole thing all over again.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #49
He won't notice if I quickly do this on the side.
Oh yes, he will... And you can be damn sure that's exactly what he'll be getting into next.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #50
Surely he can't learn to copy things that quickly.
Oh yes, he can... And he'll copy absolutely everything you do.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #51
Now that he can play by himself a little, I might actually get a moment to myself.
Oh no, you won't... He'll happily play by himself — for some reason, just on top of you.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #52
I'll have time to react if he's about to do something he's not allowed to.
Oh no, you won't... By the time you notice, the damage is done and the culprit is grinning right beside it.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #53
He won't notice a tiny bit of rubbish on the floor.
Oh yes, he will... He'll find it before you do, even if you've literally just vacuumed.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #54
This house is completely baby-proof.
Oh no, it isn't... The Termite will find something you didn't even know you owned within three minutes.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #55
He can't still be hungry. He literally just ate.
Oh yes, he can... And apparently, your dinner is next on the menu.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #56
I'll just do this with one hand.
Oh no, you won't... Try opening a packet of cheese with nine kilos of resistance hanging off your other arm.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #57
He'll be perfectly happy in my arms while I sit here.
Oh no, he won't... Being held is only acceptable if you're standing. Preferably walking. And don't you fucking dare stop.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #58
Shopping with a baby must be quite nice.
Oh no, it isn't... You'll find yourself in the middle of Prisma, negotiating with a nine-kilo terrorist.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #59
He won't miss that one toy that's gone missing.
Oh yes, he will... That exact fucking toy. The other forty-seven are absolutely useless.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #60
I can answer this call with the baby in my arms.
Oh no, you can't... The baby who's been perfectly quiet will launch into his own speech the second the person on the other end stops talking.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #61
Getting him dressed will be easy.
Oh no, it won't... Four limbs, one outfit, and suddenly you're trying to dress an octopus.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #62
He can't possibly keep losing his socks.
Oh yes, he can... One turned up in the stroller, another in the car, and a third appeared somewhere we've never even been.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #63
Clipping a baby's nails can't be that big a deal.
Oh yes, it can... Ten nails, twenty attempts, and the concentration of a bomb disposal expert.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #64
I've still got time to get this done before he wakes up.
Oh no, you haven't... The second you get started, the baby monitor lets out an almighty howl.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #65
He isn't paying attention to what I'm eating.
Oh yes, he is... Nothing on his own plate is good enough, but your sandwich apparently deserves a Michelin star.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #66
You don't have to come up with something special to do with a baby every single day.
Oh yes, you do... Try selling that idea to someone who's already inspecting the same electrical outlet for the fourth time.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #67
I'll remember to pack everything we need.
Oh no, you won't... You'll have everything except the one thing that turns the entire trip into a survival exercise.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #68
I'll get to sit here on the floor in peace for a moment.
Oh no, you won't... You've just become a climbing frame, an armchair and a punching bag. All at once.
PAPACITO'S MISCALCULATION #69
There's still plenty of time to enjoy him being little.
Oh no, there isn't... Only afterwards do you realise how fucking fast that little baby grew up. Even if that one year felt like three while you were living it.